It was all tears, “decisions” and forgotten lyrics on this week’s X Factor. Boot camp really didn’t favour our lot as nerves got the better of them making it hard for judges to separate the one-audition wonders from the true performers.
Each category had to be wittled down from 12 acts to just six, and most of our contestants essentially eliminated themselves when they struggled to remember the lyrics and bring the fire.
The guest judges accompanying our four in the boot camp stage were a smattering of local music and industry fixtures: Guy hooked up Rai from Thirsty Merc, Natalie brought in a figure from MTV Australia, Ronan brought his faithful Boyzone manager, and Kyle wooed a hot piece – DJ Havana Brown – for the kill.
Here’s a rundown of who made the cut, who should have and – of course – my favourite bitch please moments.
The party might be jumpin’ in this category but Mahogany and Kharizma are Guy‘s only promising acts here.
- Mahogany – younger Young Divas on probation
- Rheeonya – sorry, Kharizma
- Lazy J & Big Guy – they got our attention on the first night of boot camp
- Jahmakn It Funky – is possible to overkill reggaeton? Yes.
- The Real Sisters – as opposed to the ones who faked adoption papers?
- Luke & Joel – the General Pants-styled boys who consistently massacre harmonies
There’s something horribly vanilla about this bunch of warblers. While both Sally and Hayley are capable of hearty vocal performances, the rest of the young women in this category seem to all be rocking the same vocal tone. How boring.
- Sally Chatfield – the show can’t go on without her
- India-Rose – the pretty blonde Natalie‘s been hard on
- Samantha Clarke – I have no recollection of you
- Hayley Teal – our girl with the firecracker of a voice
- Alice McDermott – where’d you come from?
- Ashlee Bellchambers – you’d have a career on Nickelodeon
“If I open the doors and I see under 25 boys, I’m gonna ride them up like donkeys.” – Kyle thankfully kept the ass riding at bay and flipped into asshole mode instead.
- Andrew Lawson – he who playfully geek-jazzed ‘Everything I Do (I Do It For You)’
- Mitchell Smith – Trent‘s forfeited teen girl votes are now resting on your shoulders.
- TJ – he who keeps making eyes at Kyle.
- Darcy Callus – another little man to keep TJ company
- George Walter – he who devours the big notes
- Chris Doe – yes, that gravelly voice somewhat recalls The Calling. Anyone come forward claiming to be his father yet? I would but it’d be too suss.
I forgot Ronan was in this competition. I pity our pretty man because it seems like he’s been slogged with the trickiest and most varied bunch of contestants.
- Amanda – our Gaga peddlin’ squirrel moves up with her tulles and skater socks.
- Altiyan – the bane of our eyes and ears.
- Tony – the forklift driver guaranteed to earn housewives’ votes
- James – we’re fiddling with an incredible range here
- Max – I have no recollection of you.
- Olivia – Ronan messed with her head a little with, “I won’t be sending you home”.
Who should have:
- Harry Abu, where the fuck were you? Did I miss your boot camp stint when I got up to refill my plate of Savoys?
- Trent Bell, we’ve lost a delectable piece of man candy. Phones were a buzzing and forums were lighting up after Kyle made this cull. Hundreds of teenage girls and gays are crying into their pillows watching Trent’s YouTube channel tonight.
- Madison, the debt collector, who wowed us with her rendition of ‘I Have Nothing’ (song choice of the year) didn’t make the cut.
- Shipping Container Nicole cracked under the pressure of learning new songs. Don’t be so hard on yourself, darl. Not many people know ‘Want’ either. Just ask the singer, she’s sitting in front of you.
Bitch please moments:
Rheeonya now recast as Kharizma. This sounds like the name of some dodgy talent agency set up above a milk bar.
The tunes they spin on X Factor Australia continue to baffle me. What will they get their hands on after they’ve milked every drop of emotionality from Adele‘s ‘Hometown Glory’? Might I suggest Tamara Jaber‘s ‘Hard For Me’ in a scene where Kyle watches one of his boys dissolve into tears?
They spun Guy‘s ‘Like It Like That’ ditty when he walked into the room. Apart from the judges’ intro clips, show producers are yet to embed any Ronan or Natalie songs on the show. People, stop acting like you never got the copy of Come To Life that Natalie left in your pigeon holes.
Zebra-print carpet and acrylic chandeliers, the interior decorator has certainly captured Kyle‘s essence: utter kitsch-glam wankery.
“EVERY SINGLE SONG ON THAT LIST IS A SONG I HATE.” – Is Kyle making his boys sing Scarlett Belle on the last day of boot camp?
Star power alert! Snoop Dogg, Kelly Rowland, Usher, Sir Richard Branson and to a more bed-wettingly awesome degree, Boyzone, will be featured in next week’s Judges House phase.
Our X Factor hopefuls are jetted to different parts of the world with their mentors in some vain fanfaring of the superstar lifestyle. There’ll be another ring of fire to brave as each category cuts their six acts down to three for the live shows.