X Factor UK: Auditions Episode Five

This is comedy, y’all. Comedy.

X Factor show producers continue to stretch out these superfluous audition reels with more bizarre than actually talented contestants and frankly, it’s becoming a little tedious.

The main motivation for watching now [Editor’s note: you will love that pun] is for Kelendria and Gary‘s chemistry and connection with the camera. After the pair reigned on Saturday night’s episode, it’s time to switch focus onto the other new X Factor judge: Tulisa, who has yet to really wow me with any real feist or spark. In short, she hasn’t gotten hood on anyone just yet.

I read all this hype that Tulisa’s gonna be real, opinionated and brash but we have yet to see her pop other than the occasional hurtful provocations from rude auditionees. It’s hard to stand out as anything but “sensible” when you’re wedged between big stars and personalities like the flamboyant Irish judge, the sassy American diva and seriously sexy manband figure. But dare I say it, she is already more entertaining than Cheryl and Dannii.

Here is what went down on the fifth audition episode:

1) Tulisa’s man servant.

For the N Dubz singer’s 23rd birthday, her fellow judges organised a cheeky little present to help her through the work day. Yep, they got her a hunky topless man servant. Of course, that’s not really in his job description – this is a family program after all, so y’all have to justify his presence in some PG-friendly manner.

It gave the episode some moments of comedy, especially when he appears on set in between auditions to bring her drinks and give her a massage back stage etc. Y’know, today is incidentally my b’day so which one of you have organised a man candy to cater to me?

2) Marcus Collins: just what the Barber Shop needs.

This adorable hairdresser from Liverpool may have served a spot-on audition that showcased his funk-persuaded soulful tones but what the fuck was with the hair spray situation? Did y’all clock him virtually emptying the entire can all on this short crop? Queen, please. You have more scalp than actual hair. Mind the ozone layer.

There’s something rather likable and relatable about Marcus. I love his humour and realness when he said, “I want a better life for me mum and me family. I’m not giving youse a sob story… I’d like to be able to walk into Marks & Spencer and not walk past it.”

Watch his audition reel here:

With that billion dollar smile, engaging personality and distinct vocal tone, I reckon he could be real contender for the live shows. Speaking of Liverpool, I hope you guys haven’t forgotten last year’s runner up Rebecca Ferguson. Now she was a real gem – a truly unique vocalist who I can’t wait to see emerge as a global recording superstar. I absolutely can’t wait for her album. It’s really killing me that it has taken so long and there’s not even a teaser of a photo shoot, single or demo online.

3) Rowlow Watch: gurl, was that arm around his shoulder really necessary?

Uh oh. Here she goes again. Kelendria Trene Rowland, I don’t know who you trying to fool. Stop Keep Garybaiting.

4) Graham Bennett: he was so well spoken – until he started singing!

Y’all know that I’m not fond of time wasters and deluded performers but this is a separate matter. This is actual comedy, y’guys.

52-year old unemployed man, Graham Bennett, could pass for a dignified English teacher with his perfect diction and well spoken mannerism but watch him challenge every shred of respectability in this wildly entertaining (borderline scary) audition:

The above picture obviously wasn’t Kelendria‘s exact response but it was mine. Graham’s Shaggy impersonation unfortunately wasn’t anything on the skilled artistry of Australian X Factor auditionee Budi Bone. ‘It Wasn’t Me’ and ‘Angel’ have made surprising comebacks on both series. I sincerely hope Shaggy‘s called upon as a guest mentor at some stage.

5) Amelia Lily: yes, we get it. She’s only 16.

Did anyone catch how old this contestant was? I don’t think they said it enough. Young Amelia Lily obviously had the judges gagging when her mature soulful vocals emerged out of this 16-year old body. The platinum blonde locks and make up may be reminiscent of Floptina Aguilera but musically, I imagine her to be more early Pixie Lott material. Does she have the complete package?

Check out Amelia’s audition here:

Next week will be another double bill audition episode and thankfully, it’ll be the last lot for the year. Like I said with the Australian series, boot camp is where it all comes out in the wash – so show me the money.


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