I am like that flop godfather who forgets your child’s birthday then tries to make up for it a month later with expensive gifts and all the Pillow Pets he can carry out the store.
I know for the past two years, it’s been my thing to blog about the X Factor, and so many of y’all enjoy reading it – but this year, I’ve kinda been overwhelmed with work and life. It’s not to say I haven’t been watching and observing our contestants from a far, though.
So in touch I am with the show, that I can effortlessly catch up with you guys in week four of the live shows, and act like I never left the judging panel.
Now that we’re a month into the live show shenanigans, I think it’s pretty safe to say that this is X Factor Australia‘s most impressive year yet. Never have we had so many acts that sound so damn ready before.
This week the Top 9 acts take on a legends theme, canvassing everything from Madonna to Michael Jackson, Whitney to The Beatles and The Police.
Even though it could’ve been a really cheesy and predictable stretch for song choices, I’m really pleased that the show producers and judges chose some less-frequently-referenced hits.
Soul sister Angel Tupai gave Michael Jackson‘s ‘Dirty Diana’ more grunts than the Williams sisters in a grand slam, flaw-free pop princess Samantha Jade gave moments with Whitney‘s ‘Run to You’, and Fourtunate surprised us with an obscure Phil Collins single that didn’t even chart in Australia.
Check out my thoughts on this week’s best and worst:
A couple of singing space tampons happened.
Space tampons or no space tampons – always insist on something with proper side leakage barriers because you never know when Mel B might drop a solid gold line like that and have you soiling yourselves with laughter.
This week’s comment about The Collectives‘ silver suits making them look like space tampons was undoubtedly a moment for this season of Scary Spice one-liners.
I don’t get why she was so pressed about the silver suits, though. It’s not like the Spice Girls never had to endure anything like it before.
I thought the silver pants did a stunning job of enhancing The Collectives‘ bulges and I know you were thinking it too. However, the painfully dated performance of The Beatles‘ ‘Hard Days Night’ was another story.
The super boyband, who is pretty much destined to take out this competition, really impressed me with their cover of Jessie J‘s ‘Domino’ in the first week but ever since then, it’s been blow after blow of yesteryears references.
They desperately need to keep their modern edge, otherwise they risk coming off too cheesy for their target audience.
Am I the only one who’s worried that Ronan‘s lost touch with what a boyband in 2012 is supposed to sound like?
Samantha Jade: our Leona Lewis.
She really is, if you think about it. Every single week this stunning ready-made pop star stuns with some of the best vocal performances we’ve ever seen in X Factor Australia history.
Perth-bred Samantha Jade – who was signed to Britney‘s label Jive at one stage and had recorded with super producers like David Guetta, Timbaland and Darkchild – is arguably the most bankable female solo performer in this year’s series.
Her flaw-free rendition of Whitney‘s oft-forgotten ballad ‘Run to You’ felt like a timeless Disney ballad blossoming before you.
The only thorn in this rosy celebration of Samantha Jade‘s awesomeness is, ‘who is she as an artist’? After four weeks of hitting the stage – she has yet to use this opportunity to demonstrate any kind of artistic flair.
I think her mentor and friend Guy Sebastian probably gets where I’m going with this.
They need to figure out a fresh approach and artistic angle for Samantha – an authentic style people can identify her with and look forward to after she leaves the competition, because right now, I can only picture her playing Disney princesses in stage musicals.
Less is more for Nathaniel.
“Your voice makes me wanna go home and do naughty things to my husband!” gushed Mel B after Nathaniel Willemsie performed a moving piano-driven cover of Coldplay‘s ‘The Scientist’.
Fuck Stephen Bellafonte – I just wanna do naughty things to Nathaniel. That smile, yo.
I think there are some contestants in this year’s series that definitely require less to become more of a big deal – and this is a stunning example of such moments.
Forget the choreography and flashy stage spectacle. All Nathaniel needed was a stripped back moment to remind everyone why he is worthy of their time and why he is worthy of people’s votes. Definitely a revelation for me this week.
I have almost forgiven him for that heinous Chicago-esque cover of Beyoncé‘s ‘Love on Top’.
It’s time to go: Carmelo Munzone.
We are not even halfway through yet and Mel B has already lost three boys (a certain wild child Josh Brookes was disqualified as y’all would remember after the first live show).
Carmelo, the pocket-sized melismatic replacement contestant, got his marching orders this week after what seemed like an uphill battle for him against Ronan‘s harmony boyband Fourtunate.
Is it kinda telling that both contestants with the least votes also happened to perform songs that were obscure to the teeny bopper demographic?
Carmelo‘s take on The Police‘s ‘Every Little Thing She Does is Magic’ was actually one of – if not – the best song choice Mel B has ever made for any contestant on X Factor. It earned rave reviews from all the other judges and I thought it was an impeccable fit for the young singer.
It’s hard to imagine who would vote for Carmelo, though. He doesn’t have the fan girls quivering like The Collectives and there’s no cute factor to back him up like Shiane Hawke either.
In terms of entertainment potential, the poor chap didn’t stand a chance against his bottom two rival Fourtunate.
The boys fucking slayed with their vocal performance this week – in their respective solo sections and as a unit. I was so surprised that they wound up in the bottom.
I really hope RoRo takes more artistic risks with Fourtunate than he did with last year’s similarly-styled boyband YMS. At this stage, it seems like he’s getting comfortable recycling the same flashy choreography and pseudo-JLS approach for these lads. It’s not big, it’s not clever.
Angel Tupai and darling honey boo-boo child Shiane Hawke both came up with red flags for me this week. Mind-numbingly forgettable performances that demonstrated no stage presence or star quality – even though they both have a fair deal to offer as vocalists.