This week’s loosely themed ‘Love and Heartbreak’ theme gave way to probably more mash ups per capita than any other week the X Factor‘s ever had, I reckon.
Most of the combinations failed to add any real depth or point to the overall performance but felt like they were done for a novelty factor.
Put it this way, the best performances this week were all delivered standing on just one song. With the exception of Rylan Clark‘s ambitious cramming of ‘Groove is in the Heart’/’Gangnam Style’/’Pump up The Jam’, of course. That was a premium quality mash up. I hope Rylan mops that for his own performance at G-A-Y.
Elsewhere, cheesy song selections were beyond a joke this week.
District3 was tasked with All 4 One‘s ‘I Swear’, which came complete with a sappy display that would revolt even the most die-hard of Shayne Ward fans. I mean, bitch. There were cascading rose petals and a rotating pedestal for fuck’s sake.
Wild card entrant Chris Maloney warbles his way through Heart‘s ‘Alone’, as you do. And two Amy Winehouse songs creep into the setlist, courtesy of Jahmene Douglas and Jade Ellis.
I’m actually surprised that nobody walked on with Adele.
Oppa, Rylan style.
Say what you will of X Factor‘s reigning faggotron Rylan Clark, but this immense performance is something of an arena-sized show stopper.
The three-way mash up amalgamating ‘Groovers in the Heart’, ‘Gangnam Style’ and ‘Pump Up The Jam’, complete with dancers dressed as coutured pandas and Karl Lagerfeld, is possibly the most wildly entertaining performance of the week:
“If this is a competition for how many songs you can kill in two minutes, you win!” Gary Barlow’s ongoing shade is expected but like it or not, sir, the Essex queen turned the party y’all.
Child protection services, anybody?
Can we get child protection services on the line? I do believe Nicole Scherzinger just made a sly sexual pass at the embryotic boys of District3.
In her request for a spicier and wilder performance from the teen trio, Nymphozinger said “I need somebody to rub baby oil all over your body!” while making circular rubbing motions on her lad’s magazine-selling bosoms.
Coming from a woman who makes health spa retreats look like a smutty sexhibition? I am not surprised.
Busking with some Kanye.
I love what Lucy Spraggan is all about, really. This week it’s like watching a really crazy talented busker go at it with a bunch of homeless Cheetah Girls krumping around her.
Lucy brings a spontaneous, fun and no-frills element into the X Factor‘s glitzy live shows. And while I do wonder if I’ll quickly grow bored of seeing the same look and style every week, she proved capable of purveying interesting song choices this week with a mad cover of Kanye‘s ‘Gold Digger’:
I can definitely see why the Kate Nash comparisons are flying in by the jumbo jet full. Perhaps next week, she can do Girls Aloud‘s ‘Life Got Cold’?
In fact, y’know what? In celebration of Girls Aloud‘s 10-year anniversary this year, they should do a Girls Aloud tribute week on the X Factor.
Middle finger to the Glee shade?
LOLZ eternal. Did Simeon from MK1 drop a subtle ‘fuck you’ to Nicole Scherzinger when she critiqued their song choice this week as being “too Glee“?
95% of the Pussycat Dolls was right, though. This glucose-intensive cover of Jackson 5‘s ‘I Want You Back’ doesn’t sound like something MK1 would put on their album.
Again, them other three judges rightfully question Louis Walsh‘s ability to steer MK1 appropriately in this competition.
I know everybody’s saying it but MK1 should definitely seek a second opinion next time from Tulisa, who I’ve kinda warmed to as a judge this year.
The 16-year old warbler delivers another gobsmacking performance that cancels the competition like no other.
Ella may be serving Adele‘s mug for days here but as 95% of the Pussycat Dolls said, there’s a certain timeless quality to this girl’s aura and vocal stylings that goes beyond what’s trendy right now.
Champagne flutes were shattered across the nation when she hit that ridiculous whistle note in this classy rendition of Minnie Riperton‘s ‘Lovin’ You’:
I won’t be surprised if this girl ends up winning taking the crown and sash. The X Factor goes through this cycle every couple of years, yielding strong traditional female pop vocalists. Picture it: Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke, Ella Henderson.
It’s time to go: Melanie Masson.
No, it’s fucking not. This is absolutely the most upsetting part of the whole week’s fiasco.
Sure, the performances were forgettable across the board but how did this divine diva end up with the least amount of voting affection?
Melanie Masson‘s take of INXS‘ ‘Never Tear Us Apart’ may have looked good on paper (what, with Paloma Faith‘s version being a certified hit currently on the UK charts as well) but really, it didn’t give nearly enough show-stopping moments as required.
It was a ghostly pale comparison to the splendour of Melanie‘s performance last week, let me tell you.
However, the judges should’ve never let it fall to deadlock knowing that an over-25 contestant like Melanie Masson would never have accrued more votes than a twinky boyband like District3. The woman clearly had so much more to give with her almighty vocals and performance style.
I fucking blame the bell bottoms – they were bad news from the moment she stepped on stage.